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the Disbelief


ˌmanəfəˈstāSH(ə)n,ˌmanəˌfesˈtāSH(ə)n/ noun

an event, action, or object that clearly shows or embodies something,

especially a theory or an abstract idea.

I am always looking for a great book to read. I found out some of my Oak Island, yogi friends were reading E2 by Pam Grout about manifesting your intentions.

Small 48 hour experiments for even the most steadfast skeptic.

I should probably start by telling you, God and I have been at odds for many years now after watching and praying about my mother's alcoholism and spiraling bipolar disorder.

I even got on my knees once...

"Please God, let her understand how she is hurting us. Help her find the power to fight this. Bring her back to us." I prayed and prayed. My father told me that my prayers weren't being answered because I didn't truly give them to God. There was doubt in my heart. Well no shit. I had to clean my mother up out of her own vomit more than once.

But I still prayed.

To no avail...

I waited and hoped. Hung onto those threads of lucid, engaging moments with my mother like lifelines tethering me to a hopeful reality. Teasing me really.

In the end, she let us four children down. She lied and cheated and manipulated her way through life, slowly alienating everyone who loved her until she died alone from a heartattack, way too early.

So I clung to a new belief.

That I, alone, created my life. I could chose to live a life of excuses of not being my best self based on my past

or be a ray of sunshine for others in their darkest days.

I chose LIFE.


And I thrive...

but there is always this lingering doubt.

A doubt that I deserve what my heart desires.

I have been pushing, forcing, asking, begging and negotiating for a new yoga space at the shore. Each piece of property is more discouraging than the last. But having been around this block before with the securing of my last studio, I only banged my head on a wall a few times before I realized...

I cannot force the universe.

When I let go last time, my space just showed up.

Right there, literally in front of my face.

So for a second time, I let go. I had faith that good things happen to good people. "It" WILL happen when it is supposed to.

And I believed that this time.

I stopped focusing on my own studio and offered to help out a friend at the local Rec Center cover some yoga classes. I just wanted to be back on my mat. While working out the logistics of which classes I would help with, I spoke to another mutal friend at the Farmer's Market that week about my plans. She immediately told me I needed contact a girl named Michelle who was a Pilates instructor.

I reached out.

She had just lost her yoga partner.

She has a studio!

She wants to share it with me!

With ME!

I met with Michelle to make plans and she said...

I have to tell you something. I don't know if you believe in this kind of thing, but I am reading this book E2 (the second time I had heard this title in two weeks). Its a manifestation experiment...

and I asked for a new partner.

Well here I am!

She was amazed

and humbled

and ever so grateful

(we are two peas in a pod)

that the "experiment" worked!

We both got goosebumps.

So now I HAD to buy this book!

I am done waiting for the universe to send me what I need.

It's time. My time.

I started reading.

Let me preface what I'm about to tell you...

I believe.

Most days...

But here is the catch.

I doubt sometimes...


Whether it is self esteem or those pentacostal teachings of humbleness or greed...

there is always a tiny seed of unworthiness or doubt deep in my heart.

(Refer back to knee bent pleas over my mother).

But I was ready to give this E2 experimentation a try!

As a child, I remember spending sun soaked days down at The Point on Oak Island. It was a peaceful time. We swam and sailed and threw sand and chased gulls. If we needed our mother, we could always find her knee deep off the sand bars with a bucket full of sand dollars and one of shark's teeth.