the Brain...(on Detox mode)
So this is your brain…
This is your brain on the cleanse.
This is your brain not wanting to let go...
your body moving into habitual patterns.
so has is been my life for the last seven years...
Constantly moving back into those habitual patterns.
I constantly stay in motion. (I am not being facetious or over exaggerating...
always taking care of someone.
I AM ALWAYS MOVING!
Even when I’m sitting still, my foot is tapping, my leg is bouncing, I’ve got three projects in my mind I am processing. I multitask constantly. I am planning family calendars, yoga classes, my new art projects, inventory, advertisements, menus, emails…
adding one more thing to my daily calendar
and on and on and on.
My ex-husband complained that I was busy working all the time. My current sweetheart begs me just to come sit beside him on the couch and watch a show so he can touch me and be near me (I mean really, I don’t blame him, who could keep up with my pace anyway?)
I’m sure I look like a flurry of motion as I move through the house doing all my chores, planning and working...organizing.
I know he tells me to sit...
so I will rest,
so I will stop.
He knows his touch is calming to me. But I won’t allow myself that nurturing when there so many things to do...
who has time for all that?
...with so many lists to check off?
I have come to find most people are like this. Our loved ones just begging for us to slow down and pay attention to them... sometimes it’s not even for them but for us...
they see our need.
Even if physically,
we do not outwardly appear in motion, we are working on at least five things at one time. We may be able to pay attention as we are formulating three things in our mind, but give us more than five preoccupations...
that is when we glaze over...
is when they start to notice!
Often times I share my anecdotal stories of my life in my yoga classes.
My students always respond back “...but I sleep great, I can relax, I take time for myself... Micki you should really care of yourself the way you take care of your students.”
(and after a few minutes of them telling me all the great things they do for themselves, they then tell me...)
“My neck has been really tight or I have this tension that just won’t go away in my back.”
I digress… Let’s take a moment to fast forward to just a glimpse of my home, my life, my neurotic thinking....
I had a wonderful class this morning. I talked to my students after for a few extra minutes so I was anxious about getting to my next meeting with Dr. Karen. We needed to review our manual for the workshop we would team teach this weekend. Like most people, having inspiring meetings makes us reel with excitement and ideas so I was greatly looking forward to this one.
After our meeting, I rushed home to make my notes and plan an even better class... while trying to send a voice message to my sweetheart... checking in with him and telling him I love him... while checking my mental calendar to see what I’ve forgotten this morning... while thinking of my daughter...while a notification scrolled past that my ex-husband uploaded all their pictures from this past weekend at the zoo to our shared folder... while thinking of my sweet friend that I need to go visit and give her some of my artwork.
to the point...
of almost rear ending car..
a tourist missed his turn and slammed on the brakes.
I was watching where I was driving,
both my hands were on the steering wheel,
my eyes were on the road.
I was paying attention...
but I wasn’t really there.
Well that woke me up!
And then I realize that I was starving.
I had had my morning smoothie with all my supplements, even packed a fruit snack to take with me.
I didn’t make
time to eat it.
So now all I can think about is how hungry I am. I look at the clock and notice I’m almost 2 hours past my lunchtime meal
... and my supplements.
I tell myself as soon as I walk in the door I will make something to eat.
Because I’ve noticed this week that my mind is clear.
I AM more focused AND relaxed...
(when I make time to eat.)
so I now know how important consistent eating is...
whether I am hungry...
or forgetful of my needs.
The funny thing is,
this life that I had,
the whole big picture...
it seemed completely normal to me.
And then I began my detoxifying cleanse with my team at work.
I have to tell you, I feel absolutely phenomenal just one week into my cleanse.
I decided to do the cleanse because I knew I had not been eating healthy…
sometimes I didn’t even eat. Not because I’m watching my figure, not because I didn’t do my grocery shopping.
I didn’t eat because I was TOO busy.
I tried to talk to so many people into doing the cleanse with me but it’s funny how people always react.
They think this type of thing is only for hippie people, tree huggers, granola eating... or bark eating or whatever fallacy we could possibly imagine.
well you get the idea...
as soon as I murmur the utterance of the word cleanse people suddenly are late for an appointment.
People approach me,
(my dad said I never met a stranger...)
they talk to me...
I love that I present myself as an approachable person. Soon after our first words and they hear what I do for a living…
they begin to judge me...
based on my outward appearance.
I do smile, I do look confident, I am a happy person and I do look strong and fit.
and then they tell me their story... “so I was doing this ___________ and this started ___________ (hurting, pinching, twinging)
ohhhhh, you probably don’t have that problem.”
“I like to eat this, this, and that, but you’re vegan right?”
“Well I wish I could do yoga, but I am
___________ (overweight, inflexible, not young enough...)
but you probably exercise all day long, like running and swimming and Cross Fit and you must eat like a bird”.
But what most people don’t know
(and I do always share with them....mind you, I am always upfront about my life),
is that I too, am like them...
For seven years I have had back and hip pain. I have tried every stretch and roller and natural pain relief I can get my hands on.
I am not a vegan...
I like sweets and meat and even Mountain Dew.
Oh my god and milk...chocolate milk and Oreos and Hershey bars and Doritoes (but only if I am out of cheese balls).
I don’t exercise all day long...
if I tried to run, I would end up with my face on the pavement I’m so clumsy.
When I tried aerobics or Zumba, I was always that person in the back of the class going in the wrong direction, arms flailing like an escaped chicken...
distracting everyone. (I found it best not to torture others with my awkwardness in group classes…)
so I stayed home.
I never exercised.
And I too was overweight with poor posture, a bad back, bad feet. I couldn’t sleep at all, I was ill and downright mean and sarcastic at times.
...and yes these tangents I am taking you through in this one story (when all you wanted was something to peruse for a quick break to read in five minutes) is how my brain thinks.
Every. Single. Minute. Of. My. Day!
It is truly exhausting. Moving forward…
(are you still with me?)
Remember I needed to eat after my almost car rear-ending...
I rushed into the house excited to work on my computer and edit my manual for this Saturday’s workshop. I drop my bag and my purse on the counter...(I DID stop to pick up the mail on the way in).
“Oh my essential oils I ordered have come in” and I start thinking about my three new blends...
(“where did I jot those notes down?”)
I need to make and the one student who is waiting for this order to come in.
“Oh yay... my new Better Homes and Gardens magazine has arrived, I wonder if Steve’s
mom has gotten her copy yet...I really should call her and check in and see when she hopes to visit again… I didn’t get to talk her yesterday on Mother’s Day...I hope she had a wonderful day.”
(As I am unpacking my essential oils).
“Oh... I should really save this packaging box, it will be a great box to use to transport my stuff to the studio.”
I walk up to open the laundry room doors to put the box inside to save and realize I have laundry to put away and better yet... still one load in the dryer that needs to be folded.
“But THAT will have to wait”....I confidently tell myself.
(A week ago I would have stopped and done it).
“ I need to eat.
It would just take too long.”
Reconsidering my storage...I close the laundry doors proud of myself for ignoring the laundry this time...I walk into my bedroom to take the empty box to my work space, and this awaits me…
All the clothes I cleaned out of my closet and the last load of laundry that HAS been folded this weekend, still has not been put away. But that will have to wait…
“ I need to eat."
But I promised Steve I would have this put away by the time he got off work.” (So he could actually get in his bed tonight).
“I did at least make my bed today.”
And yet here I sit,
because THAT is what I need right now.
Not food... but this...
an understanding shared that
“i am woman... hear me roar...”
is detrimental to our bodies.
Multitasking is not a gift.
It is the curse of the modern woman.
We DON’T all have our shit together. And when we try even harder to prove we do, we drop every last one of those balls we were (or thought we were) so eloquently juggling.
Each ball metaphorically hitting the floor in slow motion creates a crater in our sleep, our skin, our peace, our self love, our self esteem, our health.